It’s been too long since I’ve written, and I feel it in my very bones. Like they’re decaying. An emptiness, being both drained and so full of pressure I could explode… all at the same time.
I’m working three jobs for the next week. I barely have time or energy to think, much less to write. I’m trying to somehow make my life work, while realizing the more I attempt it, the less it actually works…and the more I fall apart.
I’m exhausted. I’m frustrated. I’m alone. I’m angry. I’m scared. Not much else really occurs to me as behind the scenes, my soul decays.
I don’t want my life to be what it’s always been – desperately clutching at survival to the detriment of any form of true life or freedom. Running after mud pies and away from a holiday at sea. I run because I am not worth it. I’ve never been worth anything but pain.
And yet, I want to live. I want to be free. I want to feel what it’s like to not be broken on the inside. I know God sees me. I know He cares. He has already shown me through so many ways and so many people and I know I don’t deserve it. But trusting it is a different thing. I’m just coming around to accepting the idea. Reality will take longer, but I hope not forever. Lord, please help me.