‘ My son, do not despise the Lord ‘s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves…’ -Proverbs 3:11-12
It’s a struggle I’ve had as long as I can remember. It began at birth, being born to a narcissist and a borderline/narcissist who would psychologically and emotionally annihilate anyone and anything that disagreed with them. Unfortunately (for them), I was born with a spirit and a will inextricably tied to the truth. I was, without a doubt, a thorn in their side and they made me their favorite punching bag. Without conscience or remorse, they systematically worked to condition me to speak and portray only the things they wanted to hear/see, that matched their delusional self-images, or their “version” of truth, and the things that “felt good” to them regardless of truth or reality. Abuse, shame, humiliation, guilt manipulation, and abandonment were their favorite tools, which they would use in succession each time I stepped out of line (the line being the song and dance to please them) until I was in so much pain and suffering I had no other option than to apologize for the “sin” of being who I was and return to the song and dance version of reality.
While the Lord has delivered me from their horrific abuse and brought me out of that Egypt, I am still learning how to shake off the shame, guilt, and fear that is now attached to the very nature that God gave me. My parents and all the following psychopaths who abused me were not able to break my connection to the truth (sorry, Satan). But they did attach so much fear, anxiety, and shame to it that I generally bury it down deep and don’t let it out, which Satan is just as happy with.
Which isn’t to say I tell lies. It just means that even when God tells me to speak and His words are burning within my soul, there is now a flood of guilt, shame, and fear that keeps it in, triggering the song and dance.
Last night I had a long discussion with a friend. As good as it was, I woke up this morning with the Lord tugging on my heart and I could tell He wasn’t happy and wanted me to look at something. There was a part of the discussion that touched on this issue that the Lord wanted to address. He began to speak to me in the way he always does. As He says in Isaiah….”Come, let us reason together.” He began with a line of questions, which is His usual manner of beginning a conversation which inevitably leads to deep revelation.
The Lord: “Who did I create you to be?”
Me: “A truth-teller with the gift of prophecy, Lord”
The Lord: “And who do I call you to follow?”
Me: “You, Lord”
The Lord: “And who’s words did I call you to speak?”
Me: “Yours, Lord.”
The Lord: “And if I make a hammer, should you turn it into a spade?”
Me: (The realization of His implication here startled me and took me back some.)
The Lord: “Do you think you are smarter than me?”
Me: “Ummm, well no, Lord. But disobeying you and hiding the person you made me to be is a way of saying I think I know better than you…yes.”
The Lord: “Yes. Now tell me, if I give you a good seed and tell you to plant it, and you plant it just as I say, but the ground spits it up…where does the problem lie?”
Me: “The ground, Lord. I cannot control the ground.”
The Lord: “If I give you a good seed and tell you to plant it, but you change the seed, and it does not produce the fruit I intended…where does the problem lie?”
Me: “With me, Lord. I would be responsible.”
The Lord: “So it is. Do you trust the words I give you, do you trust ME, that who I made you to be is exactly and precisely meant to bring about the fruit I intend in the world? If I wanted you to be a spade, I would have made you a spade. But I already have spades and I need a hammer. So to change or diminish that in any way is not just an affront to me but will also make you accountable for my will not being done on this earth as I intend..and that is a very serious violation.” (The realization of the seriousness of this offense is sinking in).
Me: “Yes Lord, but I am afraid. I don’t want to hurt, offend, or deny you no matter what, I don’t care who else is hurt or offended by it, you know this is my true heart.”
The Lord: “The fire has not left you but neither has the fear that continues to quench it. I cannot use you if you are not being who I made you to be. For too long you have lessened yourself to fit the opinions of this world and to the preferences of other people. But I did not create you for this. I created you to be a container for myself, and you cannot submit to me AND to others who would change or lessen you from what I created. If you do not submit to me then you will never be on the path I’ve called you to walk.”
At this point, I can do nothing but allow His words to sink into my being. To repent of all the years I spent denying the very person He made and putting away the “reasons” and excuses as to why. To repent of bowing down to the fear, shame, or guilt in not being who others find to be “palatable” and to stop apologizing for operating as He has created me to operate. To stop allowing the world to define the “right way” to be and start living into how God created me to be. I know it will be a journey and it’s not something that will immediately change overnight. But grace is only offered on ONE of those paths. So I now understand the direction I must go and become a single-minded woman, that I may be stable in all my ways as the scripture says.
Lord, I am sorry for my disobedience to you and to the person you made me to be. Let it be said that I walked the path you laid for me and became exactly who you intended me to be.
‘”If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. ‘ John 15:18-19